I have “friends”. We go to the same class and cafe, and sometimes play games or watch movies together. I spend my time and money on them sometimes willingly, sometimes out of obligation. I don’t feel anything about these at the moment, but when I return to myself, I despise what I do. It wouldn’t be a thing if I were the one giving, but I feel miserable if it’s the other case. The reason is that, I don’t consider them as my friends. If I were to name the relationship, I would call it, acquaintanceship forced on us by the situation. Then, how could I freeload off others when I think of them as little more than strangers?
I don’t consider the people around me as my friends. To be precise, I don’t want to. The reasons behind it have faded away, as I have realized lately. It didn’t come out of nowhere, only guilt and disgust. I was having something that my “friend” brought us. Even then, I would not address them as my friend. Something made it hit me. I felt disgust. Then how come? I rejected the other for the same reason. I kept asking myself, Then, how come I could enjoy all the benefits they bring with them? The one and only conclusion I could think of is that, I’m simply taking advantage of them. I’m simply using them. But is it true?
I don’t want to associate myself with people because I know we would be strangers once we cross this phase. So why even bother if it’s all in vain? I think to myself. No one stays for the long run and everyone knows that. Then how could they let themselves enjoy it? “Enjoy it while it lasts”? But why? I do see the fun in wasting time together, but it is also accompanied by guilt that reveals itself when you give yourself some time. Say the relationship won’t break. I want to sever it once the phase passes. It was confusing but I figured out it is because I want to be detached.
I hate the drama people make when they notice one has changed. I can see it can be surprising, but it doesn’t change the fact that it is annoying. So I decided not to give it a chance. When you interact with people you make memories, ones that fade away and ones that don’t. Interactions are memories and memories are history. I don’t want to have a history. It is because of the past that I hate. More precisely, the past where I began hating myself. I hate myself not just for shallow reasons like my ugly figure or the lack of communication or social skills or the lack of intellect. I hate myself because I was so scared of people and everyday interactions with them, the only escape I saw was to put on a clown role, which ultimately stifled my own character. Even now I don’t think I have a character of my own. And my want to belong somewhere, my inability to do anything and more. Actually, if I were to look, it would be the opposite, reasons not to hate myself. But the question now is, “Is it worth it?” or “Does it matter?” No, “Do I want to do it anymore?”
I don’t know how to even think about this but to resort to a value analysis. If I were to continue to have this decision, I can eliminate all the people that may annoy me on my potential change. I will be free to change. I won’t have to fear that someone that knows a past version of me will expose me. I can live with no fear. If not, I get to call them friends and enjoy all the benefits with no guilt. I can’t decide. This is too complex for me.
I’m just being with them because I have to, be it the same schedule or out of my need. I’m completely satisfied with just being with myself. I’m completely fine with them being ruined, unless it’s because of me. I couldn’t care less. But I do think about people genuinely rarely and insincerely here and there because of my admiration for the people who do that. Most of my “good acts” are out of that admiration, not out of care. Just how much of a scumbag can one be?
But even if I decide to consider them as my friends, I don’t think I will be able to overlook the fact that the relationship will cease to exist soon or my insincerity towards them. Besides, I’m doing this not because I want to, rather it is what I’m capable of at most. All I can do is think of something, and remain lacking what it takes. I don’t wanna think one thing and do the opposite. I wish… I wish I could exist with them, or at least hate them.
2026-02-03